| Bank NOTICE I
know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not
what I meant. Heaven and Hell are concepts, physical places, states of mind, depending upon your theology. According to most belief systems, we are offered a choice, and while we don't always agree exactly on the nature of the accommodations, we do develop preferences. I myself have always known that if, when I pass from this life I am met at the Gates and told, "OK, Bud, you're going to be a bookkeeper for all eternity," there will be no doubt--I'm in Hell.\par }{\plain I could feel the heat and smell the sulfur fumes a few days after the first of January, having finally decided to go ahead and balance the company checkbook for 2006 and do the other preparations for the year-end tax reports required by the Lord of Accounts and George W. Bush. While getting all the monthly statements in order, my
check stubs at the ready, I noticed a small piece of
paper flutter out from between the pages of the bank
statements and fall to the floor. I picked it up. In its
entirety, it reads: Goooollllleeeee whiz! Getting a grip on Einstein's General Theory of Relativity is a snap compared to this chunk of congealed bureaucratese. Of course, after reading through it slowly about ten times, you begin to have vague thoughts that somebody down at the Bank (which shall remain nameless) may be playing in the Sub Accounts after dark, but it sounds harmless so you don't care, and wouldn't understand it any more than a hog understands string theory. To assist any aspiring future CPA, banking regulator, Congressional speech writer, or corporate spin artist, I offer the following Systematic Buzz Phrase Generator, which can see you through many a tight spot going forward, as The Future is jargonified these days. Using it, you can learn to impress while evading, to obscure while responding, to sound just like a Harvard PhD explaining national defense policy to a Fox News anchor. It works like this: From the three columns below, simply pick a number from each column, then jot down the words opposite the numbers. Column 1. . . . . . Column 2 . . . . . . Column 3 0 Integrated . . . 0 manpower . . . . . 0 options 1 Total . . . . . . 1 organizational . . 1 flexibility 2 Systematized. . . 2 monitored . . . . 2 capacity 3 Parallel . . . . 3 reciprocal . . . . 3 mobility 4 Functional . . . 4 digital . . . . . 4 programming 5 Responsive . . . 5 logistical . . . . 5 concept 6 Optional . . . . 6 transitional . . . 6 time-phase 7 Synchronized . . 7 incremental . . . 7 projection 8 Compatible . . . 8 third-generation . 8 hardware 9 Balanced . . . . 9 policy . . . . . . 9 contingency One civil engineer secured a summer job for a student by selecting buzz phrases "917" and "100" to help compose the following unquestioned memo to his boss: "Mr. X is assisting civil engineers in the flood control district in the development of a "balanced organizational projection" in preparing background research and related drawings, which will provide the district with "total manpower options." One could wish that the banking regulation cited above, requiring the disclosure of the sub-system accounting, etc., had called for a little more 863, or at least some 624. I still would not have understood. And neither would you have, nor Ben Bernanke. Upon further reflection, that bank memo sounds a lot like something Alan Greenspan said one day at a hearing in the Senate Banking Committee. Read it again . . . think about it . . . slowly, slowly . . . watch my hand . . . you're getting drowsy . . . |