How to Bathe A Cat

By R K Hamner
Special Correspondent

Over th years I been a livin wth thu old woman, I’ve learned that a takin a bath is just a now and then thing.  Usually I get by with just a now and then dose of that Frontline stuff.  Th ole woman most uv th time don’t notice them fleas until I forget and scratch in front uv her.

Then, one day th ole woman got this letter in thu mail.

Her friend Betty found it in her sewing basket.  “ It was so old,” she said, “ that the pages had turned brown.”

How To Bathe A Cat was the title and them instructions were as follows:

1.   Thoroughly clean the bathroom toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet and put both lids up. 
3. Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet.  The cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensue that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7.  Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 
8.  The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run out side where he will dry himself.

After th ole woman read that she laughed to herself and passed it aroud to her young’uns.

They all started a laughing and a lookin at me.

 One uv them boys up and said how he had noticed me scratchin fleas a lot lately.

 All uv a sudden I heared thu water a runnin in thu bathroom and then I was grabbed up behind th neck and flung into thu water.

I could hear them fleas a screamin as they was a drownin in that water. Course I didn’t have tu scratch so much after that but it took me a while to lick myself dry. An, I was surely glad that that young’un bathed me in th bathtub instead uv th commode.