Rhoda's return

Even though it aggervated me when Rhoda run off with that Arkansaw Razorback Big Al last summer, I couldn' he'p feelin' a little sorry fer her when she told me what happened t' her and the shoats when they was follerin' ol' Al off up th' trail. He got 'em in a real jam and they could'a been sausage if Rhoda hadn' a' had sense enough t' change 'er mind. This is th' story she told me about it.

Th' whole pack of us was slippin' in this cow lot, eatin' corn ever' night, before th' akerns started fallin'. Th' third night, Al's whole fam'ly had come along, and lo an' behold, this hillbilly snuck up and closed th' gate on us. Then they fed us all th' corn we could eat fer 'bout a month.

Early one mornin' three a' these hillbillies clumb over th' fence an' caught Al's brother Bob. They used a built-in balance stat on 'im. They snapped a big clothes pin on his ears, then picked 'im up. His hams tilted down. They said, This 'un's fat. So, they whopped 'im on th' head with a pine knot. Th' next one they put the balance stat on, his nose turned down. They said, This 'un's too pore, so they turned 'em loose. They whopped three 'a Al's kin on th' head with their pine knot. My little young 'uns was squeallin' and tryin' t' hide. Scared them half t' death.

I thought they was gon' put that pin on my ears. They jist stood there lookin' at me. One of 'em said, What's wrong with her nose? Anther one said, That's a dee-formed hawg fer sure. Her nose is too short. I don' want t' eat no dee-formed hawg. That pleased me purty good, since I didn' have no hankerin' fer no hillbilly gnawin' on my short ribs 'er no part 'a my bein'.

I figgered right then an' there I'd had a'plenty a' Arkansaw. That night I rooted a hole under th' fence, an' me an' my shoats lit a shuck fer home.

I asked Al if he wanted t' come with us. He said, Naw, him and his kin was goin' way back in th' hills and stay away from that cow lot.

It took me and th' shoats over a week t' git back home t' Dugdemony. We traveled at night. We was crossin' a highway som'ers there about the Louisiana line and PeeWee got hit by a car. Didn' break no bones but it stove up poor ol' PeeWee, an' slowed us down havin' t' wait on 'im. All of us was glad t' git back to our old familiar home place, and I ain't plannin' no trips north 'a here no time soon.