Personally Speaking

By Tom Kelly
Editor & Publisher

Therefore, let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.

• 1 Corinthians 10:12

Remarking the Biblical truism, I refer my hapless Democratic party to the following lines from this column, published the past December in comments on what seemed to me an "up yours" attitude in their handling of the late lamented health care bills, to wit:

"If the Democratic party, holding both houses of Congress and the Presidency, fail to pass what obviously is a signature Democrat program, it will be partially because they lacked the gumption to be open and upfront about details of the package . . . If they can't pass the program with facts as they really are, widely known, openly discussed, and generally agreed to, the program is probably not worth passing anyway. And further, if they fail by obfuscation, they will lose their majorities, plus the White House. This is one issue where full public disclosure, early and often, is the only reliable way to passage."

It is my opinion also that the Democratic leadership in both houses of Congress is the least effective in my adult lifetime. And now we have seen the virtual lack of "coattail effect" on the part of President Obama, with the back-to-back loss of two Democratic governorships, and the Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat. And a few of the "Big Mules" in the Senate have decided that now is a good time to retire. Bye-bye, filibuster-proof Senate. Hello, hand-wringing floor walking. What to do? For starters, re-think the Harry Reid-Nancy Pelosi leadership. But, I've said this before. Nobody is listening. So, for a diversion, here’s a bit of Southern humor slipped under the door recently via email to change the tone—not original, but worth another smile. (Thanks for that, Jack.)

The difference between the North and the South - clearly explained.... at last
The North has Bloomingdale’s; the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45’s
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has green salads; the South has collard greens
The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive
Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that ‘He needed killin..’ is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners...
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.

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