Nephew Ardell

I got me 'a e-mail last week from my nephew Ardell, that lives over close 't Cut n' Shoot Texas, just up north 'a th' Big Thicket. It's purt' near all Piney Woods over there, jist like here, and Ardell is the HHIC 'a his neck 'a th' woods. (That's Head Hawg In Charge, cas'n you ain't learnt all th' Woods Talk you need.)

Ardell had what you might call a Ad-Venture back in th' early Fall, when some 'a them East Texas deer hunters was puttin' out corn and catchin' up hawgs. Well, ol' Ardell, he always was a plum' fool about deer corn, and he messed around and got caught and hauled off to a gre't big sale barn over there in Fort Worth. They run a gang a' them hawgs through the sale barn, and some feller from up in Oklahoma bought a load, among which was Ardell.

Well, sir, weren't nothin' Ardell could do but load up with 'is brother an' sister Hawgs in that feller's Big Tex trailer he was pullin' behind a big ol' dually goose neck pickup, an' hope fer the best. Way after dark, they pulled up around Tulsa, and that Okie feller started 't pull off the Super Slab and gas up that rig. Only he misjudged and slud that big gooseneck over the slope 'a that down ramp an' spilled hawgs all around that gre't big road.

Ardell, he figgered here was his chanc't. Pretty quick, po-lice and truck hands and ever'body was grabbin' hawgs and rasslin' 'em into a big van. Ardell spotted a culvert under a li'l ol' side road, and made a run fer it, and hid while them ol' boys finished roundin' up the other hawgs. In a few minutes, ever'thing got quiet, and Ardell figgered he could mosey on out and see how he was gonna git back home. Only thing wrong was, he was stuck!. Couldn't go for'd ner back'ards - tighter'n a jug.

So, he done the only thing a hawg can do when he's stuck in a culvert. He squealed fer dear life! As luck had it, a pretty goofy lookin' ol' boy drivin' about a 1978 Nash Rambler h'yeard Ardell. Bein' a good hearted feller, he stopped to check on the racket, and after a good bit 'a pullin' and gruntin' he got ol' Ardell out 'a that culvert and set him up in the front seat 'a that li'l ol' Nash Rambler, and takened off down the road, tryin' to catch that feller in the goose neck Dually. Well, a trooper pulled 'em over, and when the ol' boy told him what happened, he said, "Shoot, son, fergit about it. You ain't gon' catch that dually. Take that dern hawg t' the zoo!"

The ol' boy thought that was kinda funny, but he turned around and sent on off. Next day, the feller in the Nash was headin' down th' highway with ol' Ardell sittin' up in the front seat, pleased as punch. That same trooper pulled 'em over and told that boy, "I told you to take that dern hawg to th' zoo! Why didn't you do what I told you?

"I did," the feller said. "We had such a good time, we're headin' down to Dallas-Fort Worth to Six Flags, and we're gon' spend the whole day!"